SKIP THE INAUGURATION CARNAGE

I'm previewing the shit show here so you don't have to watch.

By now, if you're reading this article, you've already made hard, unbreakable plans for Monday, January 20, 2025 based on your feelings for Donald trump.

Most of you, I assume, are not fans of the tangerine-tinted tyrant, and have already made meticulous plans to avoid any and all cable news shows broadcasting his inauguration, any online video clips, and even possible phone calls from relatives who might be taunting you for that day (we all have at least one).

Others, who are less sensitive to the spectacle of watching a convicted felon swear an oath to defend the Constitution he has no intention of keeping, may watch out of a morbid curiosity, perhaps to see if his crowd size is bigger or smaller than his first unholy gathering in January 2017.

Pro Tip: if you're looking for a smaller crowd size this time, that's a pipe dream as I am 100% certain that trump's billionaire enforcer will not allow his imbecilic investment to be humiliated on that day, and will likely pay to have a hundred or more buses bring in the MAGA maniacs.

His deranged obsession with crafting a "my crowd was bigger" narrative helped usher "alternative facts" into American politics

For the ever-insecure trump, crowd size is everything, his validation, how he measures winning. For this inauguration, he'll want there to be more people than ever before, so that he'll have another keepsake photo to go with the mystery bloody ear "fight fight fight" picture that definitely wasn't staged. *eye roll*

This time around, his mission is less about helping the American people; it's more about settling old scores (he's STILL miffed that Obama's crowd was bigger than his) and stuffing his pockets and those of the billionaire's club he wants so desperately to join.

He's already halfway there, with the likes of Jeff Bezos and Mark Zuckerberg genuflecting eagerly for him. But that's not all he wants; he wants to crush and humiliate anyone and everyone who's ever ridiculed or belittled him, called him a loser.

How do I know? I know because he's 78 years old, his dementia is progressing daily and is making him an even meaner motherfucker, and he's not changing his stripes this late in the game. He has always been a petty, vengeful man, and there are even fewer reasonable influences around to temper his worst instincts.

In fact, he's demonstrated the Republican party's acquiescence to his every whim by presenting them with the most unfit, motley crew of misfits for cabinet positions ever considered, and instead of "advice and consent," they are rubber stamping a drunkard woman abuser, puppy killer, election denier, and worm-brained anti-vaxxer.

The weak guardrails are gone, although to be honest, they weren't doing such a hot job in the first place.

Think about it: he didn't even attend the last inauguration, that of his current predecessor and his previous successor, Joe Biden. Like with everything else, trump broke hard with the tradition of outgoing Presidents attending the ceremony, rudely choosing to sulk and skulk away.

Let me say that again: trump DID NOT ATTEND BIDEN'S INAUGURATION.

For trump's inauguration, Joe Biden WILL be in attendance, again (he was Obama's VP the first time around) despite the fact trump refused to do that for him. President Biden has been the perfect example of civility, of a normalcy he wants desperately to steer the country back to.

Kamala Harris, our presidential nominee who came THISCLOSE to defeating trump even though she only had 100 days to pull everything together, will also be in attendance. After certifying the election results of her loss on January 6th, this will hopefully be the last bit of torture she will have to suffer for now. Frankly, I wouldn't be mad at her if she chose to slip it.

As it turns out, Michelle Obama WILL be skipping the festivities, and I couldn't be happier about that development. She also managed to skip the funeral of President Carter and the thrill of being downwind of Donnie Dookie Diapers, so I approve of this absence too. How wonderfully ironic, the woman who coined the phrase "When they go low we go high" could not summon the fortitude to suffer the indignity of front row seats to this travesty again.

I would love for her to revise her saying to something like "When they go low, stomp them bishes, because I'm all out of fucks, people." I'm not sure if this is Michelle's new posture for the foreseeable future, but I think it's well past time for Democrats to adopt that kind of stance in today's political climate.

The forecast for that day is calling for freezing cold temperatures between 20 and 30 degrees Fahrenheit, with wind gusts that will make it feel MUCH colder. I am hoping it's even worse, with rain, and possibly locusts, maybe a meteor. Yep, I'm wearing my petty pants right now.

Carrie Underwood's middle finger to half of her fans has her singing "America the Beautiful" while the Village People decided to cash in on trump's weird fascination with their song, and will perform "YMCA" at one of Trump’s inaugural balls while he does his usual jerking-off-2-invisible-dudes dance.

The weather is expected to be freezing and windy when trump starts to sputter his prepared speech, most likely prepared by modern-day Goebbels Stephen Miller, although the word is out that they've also tapped some "Hollywood writers" to pen his words so that his speech comes off as "dramatic and stoic."

I've seen glimpses of the MAGA Republican idea of "dramatic" movie scripts with entries like "My Son Hunter" and "1,000 Mules," so he's highly unlikely to deliver an Obama caliber speech, or even a George W. Bush level speech.

If he sticks to the prepared remarks verbatim, there will likely be a bunch of dark stuff in there, because there is no light or hope in trump or Miller's dark souls, only the kind of evil that makes them smile at the thought of separating immigrant kids and babies from their parents.

trump's first inauguration speech in 2017 was infamous for its references to "American carnage" which, not surprisingly, was an apt metaphor for his presidency. He painted an alarmingly dark vision for America, which was almost clairvoyant in retrospect: He was impeached for trying to extort Zelensky, his botching of COVID led to over 1 million deaths, people lined up in cars for miles at food banks, and he lost more jobs than any President since Herbert Hoover.

Lingering images in my minds eye are of his armed stormtroopers tear gassing peaceful protesters so that he could clear the way for a photo op, and the burning buildings in some cities because his condoning of deadly police violence against unarmed Black men.

I remember the never-ending parade of mini scandals, everything from mishandling a hurricane response in Puerto Rico and throwing paper towels, or having to be talked out of nuking a hurricane, and then wanting to buy Greenland. Oh, he's recycled THAT insanity.

Of course, we won’t soon forget the insanity of January 6th, stoked by trump, in which his MAGA followers beat police officers with flagpoles and fire extinguishers, they smeared feces on the walls of the Capitol, and even brought a gallows with the intention of hanging VP Mike Pence.

And there's more insanity on tap, planned and unplanned. With Elon Musk being given an actual office in the fucking White House complex, the jokes about him being President Musk aren't going away anytime soon. But it's no joke: he's a juvenile internet troll with the most money on the planet, spreading the most misinformation on the planet, and will have an outsized say in what happens.

I will probably attempt to watch clips of the spectacle, since a convicted felon being inaugurated is absurdly historic, but I don't believe I can handle too much (any) bending of the knee to that narcissist. But it is my sincere hope that Americans across the nation turn off their TVs and force one of the smallest inauguration TV audiences in history, just to piss him off.

With any normal President, I would hope for them to be successful. But since his success will mean stuffing the pockets of billionaires at OUR expense, while callously and chaotically deporting millions of people, the best we can hope for is what happens to some of Elon's rockets: a rapid unscheduled disassembly.