Excuse Me As I Laugh My Ass Off At These Two F***ing Assholes Fighting

trump and Musk Are at Each Other’s Throats—Grab the Popcorn, but Stay Wary

"The enemy of my enemy is STILL my fucking enemy." — Majid Padellan, 6/6/25

Stop me if you've heard this one before: Two immensely powerful jackasses join forces to make life really hard for poor and working-class people, just so they and their friends can buy extra superyachts, private jets, and islands—insane things that insanely wealthy people buy.

One of these jackasses is THE wealthiest man on Earth, a guy who could spend $44 billion just to make something run worse and not lose any sleep over it. He runs an EV company that originally catered to people who care about climate change, the same people he now trolls, calling them "retarded." We'll call jackass number one "Elmo Moneybags" for now.

Jackass number two commands an army of gullible smooth-brains: remorseless, hateful fools who will agree to any amount of cruelty as long as it’s inflicted on people they see as lower than they are—usually brown people who speak a different language. He lies as easily as flies land on shit and has never met a law he’s afraid to break. We'll call this crooked clown "Spanky McDumbass."

So, Spanky and Elmo decided to team up for the 2024 election, for shits and giggles. The plan was that Moneybags would use his immense wealth, as well as his knowledge of computers, to swing the election for Spanky, who was still butthurt about losing the 2020 election to FJ Brandon.

In exchange, Spanky would give Elmo free rein to do whatever the heck he wanted with his band of merry hackers to all the essential government agencies that held the highly valuable data of millions of Americans. As a bonus, he could even wear what he wanted to the Oval Office, use Spanky as an occasional nanny, and let his kid yell at the President and wipe boogers on his desk. No problem.

The arrangement was going as well as you could expect: Elmo was firing tens of thousands of people in his unofficial capacity as head of DOGE (Department of Government Efficiency) and did it in the least efficient way anybody could—firing essential people willy-nilly, only to have to rehire them because they handled the nukes and such.

Spanky, meanwhile, appointed the stupidest people to every department so that nobody would dare challenge his authority, and he could finally be dictator, just like the leaders he admired so much from China, Russia, and North Korea.

But one day, Elmo got a look at a "big bullshit bill" that Spanky had his minions working on, and he was pissed because it wouldn't take MORE money away from the poor and, most importantly, his EVs wouldn't get the tax credits he was counting on.

So, they started fighting. And things escalated quickly.

Elmo was doing most of the punching early, telling Spanky his bill was a "pork-filled... disgusting abomination," reminding folks what good buddies Spanky was with an infamous pedophile, and supporting his impeachment from office.

Spanky took his time responding but eventually suggested Elmo had Spanky Derangement Syndrome, had gone crazy, and maybe should lose all the government contracts he currently enjoys, legal and otherwise.

Some TV talking heads shuddered, cautioning viewers against enjoying the spectacle too much, insisting that this was a bad thing for all of us.

REALLY? OH, REALLY?

So, was this worse than the very real threat of losing our Medicaid and Medicare from this Big Bullshit Bill?

Is it worse than the increase in gas, food, and everything prices because the insane Convicted Felon in Chief doesn’t understand that consumers pay the tariffs, NOT the countries, and none of his spineless advisors will explain it to him?

Is it worse than watching his masked goons rounding up citizens and non-citizens alike, throwing them into vans and kidnapping them without any due process, even if they have no criminal record and were here legally seeking asylum?

Why, oh Talking Heads, should we be holding our collective breaths over this absolutely hilarious brawl between two boneheaded billionaire buffoons? It actually makes me feel like breakdancing a little bit.

Not because it fixes any of the aforementioned nightmare issues, because it certainly doesn’t. But it does provide a momentary respite from the painful bullshit. It’s as if we were being tortured by a sadistic monster, and he accidentally zapped himself and his fellow kidnapper in the balls.

"Sometimes you’re better off letting them fight for a little while, and then pulling them apart," Spanky said ironically about Russia and Ukraine, his idiotic statement likening them to two kids on a playground, both on equal footing and not a big 12th grader picking on a 1st grader and kicking him out of the sandbox. One could argue that maybe the two kids fighting are him and Elmo, but nobody should pull them apart.

One could hope, at this point, that they continue to zap each other in the nuts until they pass out. Ideally, Spanky loses big time but then gets replaced by Couchfucker Pance. If that happens, it’s not great because Pance is also a shameless liar, just without dementia and much younger. But maybe MAGA becomes so demoralized by this, they stop caring.

But let’s be clear: Just because Elmo is openly attacking the bane of our existence and possibly putting him in some peril with his Jeffrey Epstein accusations, it doesn’t mean Elmo is a good guy. He is STILL the asshole who doesn’t think Spanky’s big bill cuts enough. He is the jackass who fired veterans and lifelong civil servants for no good reason.

At the end of the day, if either of these two jackasses escapes this scuffle unscathed, I will lose a great deal more respect for Congress and the media, the two main "referees" in this no-holds-barred brawl.

But we should absolutely exploit this schism between the two of them now; they will never be more vulnerable to self-destruction, and we should absolutely help that process along.

After all, what are enemies of enemies for?

Had a laugh or a rage-filled nod reading about Spanky and Elmo’s epic clash? A paid subscription helps me keep cranking out these satirical gut-punches, exposing the absurdity of the powerful while giving you more to chew on. Thanks for being here, and let’s keep calling out the clowns running the show.

Let me know in the comments: if you had to pick one person "winning" this fight, who should it be, and why?